3 Secrets For Handling Resistance
Resistance to change is a perennial source of frustration for many change agents. It’s also one of my favorite topics to explore in my teaching and coaching because it has so much to tell us!
Today I’d like to share three secret questions for handling resistance. I call them “secrets” because the answers to these questions often reveal something surprising about us as change leaders and those we’d like to lead.
Here’s the first: Why do I care?
This might come across as a bit cheeky, but I mean it in earnest. When we encounter resistance, the first question must be: Why do I care?
Usually, the answer to this question reveals a dependency of some sort. Perhaps your success hinges on another person’s actions or their willingness to be persuaded by your advice. Maybe the success of your larger initiative is at stake, and a key player refuses to cooperate.
Unfortunately, no matter how persuasive, coercive, or charming we are, we still cannot control other people’s behavior. (I learned this very painfully in my early days as a project manager.) We can only change ourselves.
The first secret is therefore to be aware of our boundaries of control and seek to work inside them. Before attempting to influence others—forcefully or otherwise—examine which options are truly within your control.
The second secret is revealed by this question: Why do they care?
Once we’ve disentangled our goals and needs from the broader situation, we might have space to get curious about what is going on for the other person. In a word: empathy.
When we consider why they care, we might realize that there’s an essential piece of the context we’ve missed. The resistance we’re getting is a signal that something may be hidden out of view, just as a lighthouse beacon warns of rocks obscured by the fog.
The second secret is to approach others with curiosity, empathy, and openness for what they might have to say. It will be very difficult to move forward if we don’t know what’s in the way.
Finally, the third: What would show that I care about them?
Resistance shows up when we feel the need to protect or preserve something. That something is often our dignity.
The third question nudges us gently into constructive action to begin to repair the bridge with the other person. What would show them that we care about them and aren’t simply pursuing our goals at all costs?
This needn’t be a grand gesture – in fact, it’s likely the opposite.
The third secret is to connect—an invitation to a conversation, an acknowledgement, and a willingness to listen are all simple ways to accomplish this.
When have you used these secrets in your dealings with resistance? What others have you uncovered? I’d love to hear your thoughts — add your thoughts to the comments below!
Michelle
P.S. If you found these suggestions helpful and would like more support navigating the turbulent waters of resistance, I have something exciting to share with you coming in September. Stay tuned for more information, or email me at michelle@streamsidecoaching.com for a sneak peek!
