Forgoing Force

Congratulations! You've just been hired into a new role. Your job is to be a change agent, to shake things up. And boy, do they need it! Everywhere you go, you see opportunities for improvement. Convoluted processes, misaligned incentives, fragmented communication, the list goes on.

Luckily for your employer, you've seen this all before. Same shit, different department, as those of us in the biz like to say. You know where all the problems are and how to fix them. It's all documented in your playbook.

Let's turn to page one, shall we? Here's the obvious solution for dealing with those KPIs they keep missing quarter after quarter. Worked like a charm at your company.

You'd think your colleagues would be eager to implement your ideas, but the response is rather muted. "We tried that, but…" the conversation begins and quickly trails off.

They just don't see the vision yet. No matter. They will. Let's take it from the top, this time with a little more feeling!

When you make your pitch again, you lean forward in your chair. Your voice rings a little louder across the call. They've got to understand this time, you think. But when you hang up, there's a tension in your shoulders and a gnawing feeling in your gut that makes you realize you're even farther from your goal than you were before.

Time to Press Pause

If this is you—as it has been me, many times before—it's time to press pause instead of pressing ahead.

Pressure, force, intensity—these things can produce change, but it's rarely the kind that sticks. When we push others down a path we're certain is right, we do it because we've walked that path before and it led somewhere good. We know the destination. We're just trying to drag everyone else there.

But here's what we're forgetting: just because something worked for us once in the past does not guarantee that it will work for others in the same way now or in the future. We might be right. But we have no way of knowing.

That doesn't mean we should abandon our experience or negate our expertise. It simply means we shouldn't become so attached to it that we lose our ability to sense what's actually happening in the moment.

Replace the Pressure with Something Else

If the stakes feel so high it seems almost impossible to dial back the pressure, try asking yourself this brilliant question I learned from one of my coaching mentors: If you weren't feeling stressed, what would you be feeling instead?

For me, the answer is often some variation on lightness or buoyancy. I'd feel weightless—the pressure gone from my shoulders. The muscles around my eyes and jaw would relax. My shoulders would lower. My breathing would be lighter and freer. I wouldn't be trying to hold it all up or hold it all in. I'd let go.

And as I talk through this, I notice it happening in my body. I feel the gift of that lightness, and I realize what a heavy weight I've been carrying. Now that I'm free of my invisible burden, I'm finally able to notice what others are carrying. I start looking for ways I can help.

What could happen if you replaced the pressure you've been feeling with something else—something lighter, something freer? How would your conversations change, both for you and the other person, if you didn't need to convince or coerce them into agreeing with you? What would they feel free to say to you, and how might that change your understanding of the situation?

I hope you'll try it and let me know.